


to find yourself

by Kazutoes



Category: Caduceus | Trauma Center Series
Genre: Angst, Derek Stiles has ADHD, F/M, i have no clue how to tag, i shouldn't see myself so much in him but here i am !, more tags added later i suppose, oof, you legally cant tell my atlus didn't code Derek having ADHD. you can't.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22407184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kazutoes/pseuds/Kazutoes
Summary: Derek doesn't know what prompted him to pick up the phone, call that number, and get the help he so desperately deserves. But it takes him a while to get there.
Relationships: Derek Stiles/Angela "Angie" Thompson, Tyler Chase/Leslie Sears
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. you're not alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FlysWhumpCenter (TheDarkFlygon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkFlygon/gifts), [parumleo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/parumleo/gifts), [nuuneyraegon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuuneyraegon/gifts).



> so! this is the desperately needed catharsis angst fic where i put derek through the anxiety i feel about my disorder ! yay! a.  
> also id like to thank @parumleo, @nuuneyraegon, and @kimishima-naomi (tumblr) for being the catalysts of me actually posting it!! thank you for dealing with my anxious ramblings lol
> 
> this is actually mostly finished, I'm just posting this right now just to get it out there. I'm expecting this to have 3 chapters, but i'm not sure.
> 
> anyway, unbetad, sorry !!!

Have you ever had one of those days? The one where you just feel like it drags on and on and on, with no end in sight? Like everything just keeps piling on until you don’t want to move, to breathe, to even think?

Yeah, that would probably be an understatement to what Derek was feeling right now.

It seemed that no matter where he turned, misery and dejectment seemed to follow him. He truly did believe that it would start out to be a great day. Really. Until it just all turned down hill.

It started off with one of his patients who was under his care dying. Even though all of her stats had been improving, even when she was set to leave the hospital, a vicious infection tore through her body.

There was nothing anybody could do. Even the strongest broad-spectrum antibiotics were powerless to stop it, leaving her to wither away and die.

The parents begged them to do something, anything, to help save their little girl. But all of their pleading soon quieted as they watched their daughter take her last breath, tears in their eyes.

It took everything in him not to cry with them, too.

“Time of death, 9:39 am,” He called, dropping his wrist back down to his side. The EKG blared in his ears as he stared at the girl, only one thought running through his head.

Why? Why her?

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Angie turn off the machines, whispering quiet apologies to the parents.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” He spoke, his eyes downcast. “We did everything we could.”

But not enough.

“Thank you, Dr. Stiles,” The mother said, wiping at her damp eyes. “For what you did for her. You don’t know how much it means to us.”

“You’re welcome, Mrs. Cykes,” He replied, willing his voice not to shake. “I hope Athena is happy building her dream robots, wherever she is,”

He quickly walks out of the room after, not waiting to get a response. He knows that might be a bad thing to do, but he couldn’t stand to be in there any longer.

Why did it have to be one of those days?

Much to his chagrin, it just kept on getting worse and worse. He screwed up a routine procedure, got yelled at by Sydney, and then ended up feeling like he couldn’t do anything right.

Great.

He wishes he could just go home right then and there-- or die on the spot, that would be fine too.

“If you’re ever going to be an excellent doctor, Derek, then you really need to sharpen up. Caduceus is one of the leading medical facilities in the world, act like you’re a doctor that deserves to be here.”

Derek couldn’t help but stare as Sydney walked out of the OR, his hands still lifted in the air as Stephen took over for him.

“He’s just having a bad day, Derek. Don’t let it get to you.”

Taking off his gloves, he throws them into the hazardous bin and storms out of the OR, tearing off his bloodied lab coat.

“Woah, dude, you alright?”

He suddenly stops at the sound of Tyler’s voice, turning around to meet Tyler’s confused gaze.

“I’m fine,” He murmured, not willing to talk anymore. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, if he was honest.

Was it so much to want to be alone?

Back at his office, he couldn’t ignore the silent whispers violently dredging themselves up again, the doubts that constantly plagued his mind ever since he transferred to Caduceus. The one’s he buried deep inside himself, never to see the light.

As he sat there doing paperwork, he couldn’t help but let the dark thoughts slowly consume him, eating away at his conscious.

Maybe Sydney’s right, I don’t deserve to be a doctor of Caduceus.

The longer he sat, the longer he felt like he wanted to scream. He could barely focus on what was in front of him, his emotions swirling violently in his chest.

He vaguely registers Angie opening the door, holding a big stack of charts in her arms.

“Derek! Where have you been?!” She asked, her eyes pleading. “You were supposed to be on rounds 15 minutes ago!”

“I’m sorry... “ he mumbled, staring at his hands. He could barely will the urge to get up, let alone do rounds. This was his job, goddamnit, he didn’t have time to sit around and do nothing.

“Is everything alright?”

He feels her approaching him, her soft touch grasping his shoulder. Slightly shaking, he whispers.

“I-I just… I had a bad day, I’m sorry,” He apologizes, willing his hands to just do something. It felt difficult to breathe, to move, even though he knew he had a job.

He felt numb.

“What happened?” She asked, pulling her chair from her desk. 

He felt childish, now that he thought about it. Letting the little things get to him. But that still didn’t ease the cold he felt.

“I-you know, my patient this morning and Sydney getting on my ass about that patient, I just..”

“It got to be too much?” Angie asked, placing her hands on his. Derek nodded, glad he could at least do that.

“Yeah…”

There’s a lull of silence, before Angie spoke again.

“I think you should talk to someone, Derek,” She said, making Derek freeze.

“I’m not saying right now, but… you’ve been worrying me lately. It’s okay not to be okay, Derek. I just… want you to feel better.”

Derek let out a breath, looking up to Angie.

“Okay,”

Angie hesitates for a second before pulling him into a hug, smiling when she can feel him untense under her embrace.

“Okay,” She says back, placing her hands on his shoulders.

“I’ll come to your place after our shift, and we’ll call. Together. Okay?”

Derek nods once more, not trusting his voice.

Angie stands up, pushing her chair back to her desk. “Are you good to move?”

He tests out his hands, finding that they finally feel less stiff and more… there. He slowly stands up and breathes out a laugh, thankful he can move again.

“Yeah, I’m good,” He said, his gaze meeting hers.

“Alright, let’s go. We’re super late to our rounds,” She said, pointing to the door with a sense of urgency. Derek’s eyes widen, having totally forgotten.

“Oh crap!”

They both rushed out of the room together, their meeting tonight both heavy on their minds.  
\------------------------------------------------  
“Are you ready?”

He can feel Angie’s hand clasp his own as they sat on the couch, Derek staring at the call button on his phone.

If he’s being honest, he isn’t. He isn’t prepared to call, to ask if he can talk to someone. Every nerve in his body is telling him to stop, that maybe they can’t take him, or that they won’t.

He doesn’t know why he’s so hesitant.

“There’s no shame in asking for help, Derek,” She spoke, resting her head on Derek’s shoulder.

He continued to stare at the number, his eyes slowly following as Angie’s finger hovered on top of the green call button.

“Is it okay if…?” She asked, noticing Derek’s hesitance. He nodded, knowing he couldn’t do it on his own.

Her finger tapped on the button, and the screen morphed to show that it was dialing the number. Quickly holding up the phone to his ear, he waits with bated breath as someone finally picked up.

“Hello, this is the psychiatric department of Caduceus, how may I help you today?”

He almost forgets to speak for a moment. “Hi, um… I would like to make an appointment,” He says, Angie giving him an encouraging smile.

“Okay, is this a patient or a staff member calling?”

The conversation goes on for about a minute more before the receptionist finally asks for a name.

“Can I get a name?” The receptionist asks. He looks at Angie for a moment before closing his eyes.

“...Derek. Derek Stiles.” He whispers, hopefully loud enough for the receptionist to hear. There’s a pause on the other end before she finally speaks again.

“Alright, it is set for the 27th, at 5 pm with Dr. Amy Pond. Is this okay?”

“Yes, thank you,” He says, wanting the call to just be over.

“Alright, goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” He says, before quickly hanging up the phone.

He lets out a long sigh and drops his head onto his chest as Angie snakes her arms round him.

“I’m so proud of you, Derek…” She whispers, feeling Derek collapse into her.

“Ang…” He whispers back, closing his eyes and feeling so unbearably heavy.

“I love you,” She murmurs into his skin, her hand resting over his heart.

“I love you too,” He thinks, unable to say it back. He doesn’t think he can say anything  
without breaking.

He wishes he could believe in himself as much as she believes in him.  
\------------------------------------------------  
It had been three days since he finally decided to call the number Angie gave him. He looks back on when she was with him that day, giving him her silent encouragement.

He couldn’t deny that he was nervous, but he was finally getting the help he desperately needed.  
‘There’s no shame in asking for help, Derek.’ She said that night, as they sat together on the couch. He didn’t know what he would do without her.

“Derek?”

A soft voice broke him out of his revere, giving the person a nervous grin.

"Uh- yeah?" He asked.

"Are you ready?"

He recognized it was Amy, Caduceus’ resident psychologist. He had met her a couple of  
times, working with her when he was treating a few particular patients.

“Oh. Yeah, I am,”

Derek slowly stood up. Taking a deep breath he followed the woman into the back, where they went into a small room.

"So how has it been?"

He didn't really know how to answer that. There had been so much that went on in the past couple of weeks that maybe it would take more than an hour to explain.

Well, everyone had to start somewhere.

"Well, I mean," he breathed out, his eyes wide. "It's been a lot, if that's where you want to start,"

Amy smiled at him, holding her clipboard close to her chest.

"So I've heard."

Derek was relieved she wasn’t too prying off the bat. That's probably the one thing he didn't need right now.

"Angela told me that you have been exhibiting some symptoms of a particular disorder, and asked if I could confirm. And don't worry, this is completely confidential. I won't tell anyone about what is said in here unless you allow me to."

Derek nodded, allowing the tension to leave his shoulders somewhat. Even though he knew the doctor-patient confidentiality law quite well, he couldn't help but be nervous anyway.

"So, I'm sure you just want to get right to it."

It didn't take a psychiatrist to know that Derek was extremely nervous. The way he fidgeted with his fingers and sleeves, how he couldn't make eye contact with her.

“U-uh, yeah," He spoke, breathing in deeply.  
Amy continued. "I'm going to read you a couple of questions, and try to answer honestly, okay?"

Derek nodded.

"Okay…Do you often avoid, dislike, or are reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort?"

He couldn't help but automatically think of paperwork. He absolutely hated doing it, the idea of sitting down and doing something so mind-numbingly boring made him want to scream. Even if Angie promises him something good like coffee after words, he simply can't do it.

"Yes." He replied, staring at a glaringly plastic plant at the corner of the room. "Especially when doing paperwork. But I always thought it was just because it was just that boring.”

Amy laughs, despite Derek’s depreciating tone. “Yes, I find paperwork boring too. But we all have to do it, yknow?”

Derek nods. “Yeah…”

Amy marks something down on her clipboard before reading another question, one that makes Derek think  
for a bit longer.

"Do you often seem to zone out when other people are talking, even when they're speaking to you?"  
He can't count how many times he's done that to somebody, even when he wants to listen. It's like an aux cord that someone keeps pulling out of his head when he's trying to listen, and puts it back in when they're finally done talking. It's annoying, all things considered.

"Yeah," He nodded, finally looking back at Amy. “It happens quite a lot, if I’m being honest. I don’t mean to do it, it just… happens,”

Amy nods before noting something down on her clipboard.

"Are you easily distracted?

The questioning continued for a couple more minutes, with increasingly more worrying affirmative answers.. He felt anxious the more he sat there, feeling like he was making a big deal out of nothing. 

“Do you suffer from chronic and intense feelings of frustration, guilt or blame?"

That one threw Derek in for a loop. He didn't know how to respond. Yeah, it was often that he felt that but it also wasn't.. he just thought that he was just over emotional. It wasn’t often he could go a day or more without that sick feeling in his chest, the one that made him wish he never spoke, or every single time a patient dies under his care. He knew from his training that he has to detach from his patients, but he just couldn’t.

Sometimes the haunting ring of the flatline sound still assaulted his senses.

"Yeah, it’s… I have those a lot," he mumbled, his eyes downcast.

“Do you often feel them towards other people, or towards your patients?” She asks, her pen settled down on her clipboard.

He almost forgets that she knows he’s a doctor, the way his heart stops at her question.

“Both…” He says so quietly, it’s hard for him to hear what he said himself.

Amy notes something down before clearing her throat, finally stopping with her line of questioning.

“Well, Derek, I think from the information you have given me that you suffer from ADHD.”

“ADHD?” He couldn’t help but ask. He remembers going to some lecture about that in study hall, but he just couldn’t focus on the boring lecture.

Ironic now, all things considered.

“Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I think you may be attention-dominant, however. All of those things you have just described truly do point to you having this disorder.”

Derek stared at her.

“So, what does… this mean?” He asks, tugging at the sleeve of his jacket.

“I think we should start you on a round of medication, to begin. And maybe get you a therapist, too.”

“Medication?” He asks, finally looking up.

Amy nods, a smile on her face. “Yes, medication. It is treatable, you know. But it will be trial and error, some people find the right medication right away, and some… don’t. But we’ll keep trying.” 

“I will… get better?” He can’t believe it. He always thought he was stuck this way, constantly falling short of everyone’s expectations. He felt like he was going to cry.

“Yes, you will. It can’t be cured, but it will get better with treatment.”

She writes down a script on a pad, and writes down a number.

“Here’s the number for one of my good friends, who’s a therapist. If you give her a call, she’d be happy to see you.

Derek smiled, feeling like something heavy was finally lifting from his chest.

“I… thank you.” He laughs, relief filling in his tone. Amy hands him the script.

“It’s no problem, Derek. I’ll set an appointment in two weeks to see how you do on this. Remember, it might not work at first, or it might.”  
Derek stands up, taking the note and script from her hands.

“Alright. Thank you again, Dr. Pond,”

“Call me Amy. And you are very welcome.”

Just before he walks out of the door, Amy spoke up again.

“And don’t hesitate to call me if you have any side-effects, okay?”

He nods.

“Gotcha.”

He leaves the psych department feeling lighter than he has in years.


	2. operation complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
> thanks this has been my ted talk

“This is supposed to help you,” Derek murmured to himself as he stared at the pill bottle. He can’t tell why he feels so hesitant about it. If anything, it’s supposed to help him feel better. Get his life back on track.

According to Amy, it would take a bit of time to work. And that if any side-effects happened, he should call her immediately. Trial and error, she had said.

Derek felt less confident by the minute.

Taking a deep breath, he finally opened up the bottle and dropped one into his hand, glancing at it in confused wonder.

Why the hell was he so uncertain about this?

Quickly downing the small pill, he takes a drink of water and sighs, dropping his head down into his hands.

Why did this have to be his life? Why was it finally now he gets the help he needs, instead of suffering for years?

Was this why he never felt like he was normal?

All of those swirling thoughts felt like they were dragging him down as he sat there, his breathing heavy.

Suddenly, his phone rang. Trying to ignore the fact that it scared him so much, he slowly picked it up and pressed accept, putting it to his ear.

“Hello?” He asked, realizing he had no idea who he just accepted the call from. For all he knew, it could be some serial killer that was out to murder him.

Too far out there, Derek.

“Derek! How’s it goin’, bud!” Tyler shouted over the phone, Derek wincing. He had no clue how Tyler could somehow still sound like he was screaming, even if he was miles away.

“I’m good,” He sighs, wondering why Tyler would be calling. “What do you want?”

“Woah, Mr. Grumpy-pants… I was wondering if you could take over my shift for today. Amy hasn’t been feeling well, and… I can’t help but scared it's something more than a cold.”

Derek smiled, noticing how Tyler had immediately calmed down around the mention of the young girl. He got Tyler’s concern, especially since her GUILT scare.

“Of course, Ty. Go be with her. I’ll be there in about a half an hour.”

“Thank you so much, man….” Tyler trailed off, a rustling of someone putting on a backpack sounded in the background.

“I owe you one for this.”

Derek chuckled.

“Don’t worry. Just make sure Amy feels comfortable, okay? Get her a teddy bear from me.”

“I will. Bye, Derek,”

The phone clicked off, letting Derek breathe out a sigh. Damnit. He didn’t want to exactly go in today, especially since he had no idea how his meds were going to work. Oh well. At least Angie would be on call, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

Honestly, all he wanted to do was talk to her right now.

Getting up, he goes off to get his uniform, mentally preparing himself for the night he was about to have.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Derek felt like he was on top of the world. Everything felt more clear, like he was more in touch with the things going on around him. He couldn’t feel the thrum of electricity he usually felt when doing something, his focus more sharp.

Even when he went to do some paperwork when he got into work, he didn’t feel like he wanted to jump out of his skin. His handwriting also improved, which Angie caught onto immediately.

“So you took them?” She asked, a smile pulling at her lips. Derek nodded happily as he completed another page, feeling extremely productive.

“Yeah, I really think they’re helping me,” He states, looking back down to the next chart. Angie let out a small laugh.

“I’m so glad. I’m really proud of you for going, Derek. I know it was hard,”

Derek ducks down his head, laughing.

“Yeah. I’m happy I did, too…”

There was a lull of silence before their pagers go off, signalling someone was coming in with critical stats.

“That’s our queue,” Derek murmurs, getting up as Angie hops off the desk.

“Let’s go.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“O2 stats in the low 70’s!” He hears Angie call out, rushing alongside her to look at the gurney.

“We’re gonna need an oxygen tank and mask!” He yells to one of the other nurses.

“Everything is gonna be alright, ma’am,” He spoke, looking down to the young girl. She nodded back to Derek before a mask was placed on her face.

“We’re gonna need emergency surgery,” Angie says, looking to Derek in concern. She points down to the lacerations that littered her small body, glass still sticking out in a few places. Derek winced.

“Alright, roll her into OR3, I’ll scrub up,” He says, pushing himself back from the gurney to rush to the operating room.

He will save this patient.  
\-----------------------------------------------------  
“Let’s begin the briefing,”

Angie turns towards the charts in her hand, her eyes narrowing.

“Patient is a 12 year old female who recently suffered from a severe automobile accident.”

She looks up towards the rest of the staff.

"Allow me to explain the objectives. We need to suture up various lacerations, check for internal trauma, and extract the glass shards from her torso. Am I clear?”

Various murmurs of acceptance round through the operating room. Angie turned to Derek.

“We must do our best, Doctor.”

He nods, looking down towards the young girl.

“Let’s begin the operation,”  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
“Sutures,” Derek says as he pulls out the last glass shard, letting it drop onto the plate with a clatter.

“We’re nearly there, Doctor,” Angie whispers when he sutures up the last laceration, the young girl’s body looking rather gruesome. He tried the best he could to make it look nice, but there were simply too many cuts that he couldn’t leave open, or heal with the antibiotic gel.

If he’s honest with himself, she’s lucky to be alive.

“There seems to be no signs of internal bleeding,” One of the interns spoke, apprehension in her eyes. Derek looks down to the body, seeing no discoloured spots.

“You’re correct, there isn’t. However, I want 24/7 monitoring on her until we can get her vitals back up to stable. Send her to ICU,”

He looks up to the rest of the staff.

“Good work, everyone. We saved a life tonight.” he sighs, allowing a smile to slip onto his features. Angie straightens up beside him, strengthening her resolve.

“Operation complete.”

Various doctors started to move at once, prepping the girl to her move to the ICU. Derek and Angie both slowly step back, silently watching the patient being rolled out of room.

“Good work, Doctor.” Angie smiles at him, Derek lets out a sigh, releasing his hands from the vinyl gloves.

“Thanks, Ang…” He murmurs, feeling inexplicably exhausted.

Angie glances at him in worry as they walk out of the OR, concerned about Derek.

“Is something wrong?” She asks, fitting her hand in his own. Usually they don’t like to show that they’re together in the hospital, as doctor-assistant relationships were a no-no, but she felt like something was… off.

“Yeah, I’m good,” He replies, giving her hand a squeeze. All he needed was advil and a chance to doze off for a bit, and he would be good. He hoped.

“Do you know what time it is?” He asked, shaking his bangs out of his eyes. All he really wanted to do was find the nearest on-call room and sleep.

“About 5 am, why?” She replied, resting her head on Derek’s shoulder. Derek let out a sigh. 

“I have about an hour until I get off of work… page me if anything big happens?”

Angie nods, squeezing his hand before letting go.

“I will, go get some rest okay?”

Derek nods sleepily before heading to the on-call room, letting his eyes flutter close.

Reaching the blessed on-call room, he allows himself to fall onto a bed and drift asleep, his pager sitting quietly on the stand.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Derek?”

Derek slowly opened his eyes to see Angie looking over him, concerned.

“Ang?” He asked, blearily blinking to look around the room.

It was sunny.

“Oh god, what time is it?” He asked, quickly getting up from the uncomfortable bed. Angie gasped.

“Hey, hey, calm down! It’s only 8, don’t worry. You needed the rest,” she soothed, sitting down beside him and resting her hand on his shoulder. Derek sighed and rubbed his eyes, thankful he didn’t sleep too late.

He hated the fact he couldn’t sleep normally. It was always a struggle to calm his thoughts when sleeping, and that didn’t even include the fact he had trouble waking up in the morning. It was embarrassing, and nearly caused him to be late multiple times, even to this day.

He was pulled by his frustrated thoughts by Angie grasping his hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“I just got off of work, do you maybe want to head home together?” She asked, her smile almost making her seem like she was glowing. Derek smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Sure, I’d love to,” He murmurs, before feeling himself be pulled up by Angie.

“Then let’s go, I want to get out of here before we get pulled into another shift,” She giggled.

Derek smiled. “Yeah, you’re right.”


	3. how to save a life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hurt to write :((((

Well, whatever want he had of sleeping this afternoon was completely shot.

He watched as Angie quietly slept beside him, her face relaxed and calm. It was almost like she became a child again while she slept, unaware of the horrors the world had to offer while she was awake.

It was comforting to see.

Quietly sitting up not to disturb her, he climbed out of bed and walked over to the bedroom door. Letting himself glance one last time at Angie’s sleeping form, he shuts the door and closes his eyes against the outside light.

Man, he wishes they had blackout curtains on all of the windows.

He looks around Angie’s apartment, anxiety thrum in his chest for not doing something.

“I don’t think she’d be mad if I cleaned up her apartment a bit, would she…?” He asks himself, feeling internally excited at the thought of finally doing something.

“As long as I’m quiet enough…”

With that new resolve, he quickly got to work, but softly enough not to wake her.  
\----  
Angie felt like she had the best sleep of her life.

She blearily opened up her eyes, a smile pulling at her lips. The clock on her nightstand read 7:28, a welcome sight.

Turning over onto her side, she noticed with a start that Derek wasn’t near her as he was this morning.

The bed was cold, in fact.

“Derek?!” She shouted, quickly standing up from her bed. Growing alert almost immediately, she ran out of her room into the living space.

She immediately spotted Derek lying on the couch, a throw blanket draped over his lithe body. The TV was on in the background, set very low.

A cold draft shifts through the room, making Angie shiver. When did it get so cold in here?

Looking around to find a window, she finds that her apartment looked cleaner than normal. Way cleaner.

The counters and various surfaces looked clean, almost spotless. In the fading light of day, she could see the dishes drying in the corner, just barely dripping.

She shifts her eyes back to Derek, who was lying on the couch peacefully. Confusion seeped into her bones as she sat down at the end of the couch, turning off the TV.

The room was slowly faded to a blue hue as she sat there, staring at Derek.

“I wish you would tell me what was wrong…” She murmured, reaching over to brush a brown lock of hair out of his eyes. 

She couldn’t help but worry about him. It seemed like that was all she would do lately, if her thoughts weren’t consumed with work.

“Please, Derek… open up to me,” She whispers, hoping with all her heart something would happen soon.

Please.  
\----  
“Y’know, remember when Derek used to never be able to do paperwork?” Leslie asks as she works on various charts. “I mean, now he even puts Angie to shame!”

“I know, right? It’s like something has changed…” Tyler laughs, twirling a pencil around his fingers. “Honestly, I wish I could have his work ethic!”

Tyler and Leslie laugh together before going back to their paperwork.  
Soon after, however, Derek and Angie walk in.

“Hey! We were just talking about you!” Tyler shouts, doing his normal excited act. Derek frowns.

“What do you mean?” He asks, making a beeline straight to the coffee machine. He felt extremely exhausted from not taking his meds, and needed something to keep him awake.

“Tyler wants your work ethic, honestly,” Leslie giggles, letting out a small ‘omfp!’ as Angie sits down beside her, the couch raising slightly.

"Why?” Derek asked warily, sitting across from Angie. He couldn’t wait for his shift to end just so he could go home.

“Because look at you! You used to hate doing paperwork and now… now you’re even better than Angie!” Tyler jokes, pointing over to the blonde nurse.

“Hey!’ Angie laughs, curling her legs under herself. “I think it’s great Derek is getting on top of his paperwork, if anything it helps reduce my workload.”

“I was a bother…?” Derek asks quietly, but nobody seemed to hear him.

“I remember I used to yell at him, telling him that he would never be a doctor… And look at him now, I’m really happy he’s grown into an excellent doctor,” She smiles, looking over to Derek. 

“Heh, yeah,” He grinned, pointedly ignoring the flare of anxiety in his chest.

Angie notices the fact his smile seems sort of fake as Tyler and Leslie continue to gossip about Derek.

He couldn’t help but remember the embarrassment he went through when he first became a doctor, how much he felt he was unprepared. Noticing the fact his hands started shaking, he sets down his cup of coffee and shoves them into his pockets, mentally turning back into Tyler and Leslie’s conversation

"He used to suck in med school too, copied right off me,” Tyler laughed, making Derek feel worse. Back in med school, he could never focus. And no matter how much Tyler tried to tutor him, he could never really remember…

“Ty, he’s right there…” Angie spoke, a frown on her face. She casts glance to Derek, who was sitting there quietly.

“I have too many embarrassing stories of him in college, y’know?” He continues, seemingly not hearing Angie. Derek felt like he wanted to scream, praying Tyler would just shut up. He didn’t want to hear all over again the stories Tyler was about to tell, much less have another person hear them. But Tyler didn’t seem to get his telepathing pleading.

"Oh really? Tell me more!” Leslie asked, excited to hear what Tyler had to say.

“Okay, that’s it,” Derek stands up, shaky on his feet. He didn’t want to be around for this. Not now, not ever.

“Tell Hoffman I’m taking the rest of the day off,” He finally says, forcing his voice to not shake. Angie quickly stands up.

"Derek?” She asks, holding out a hand to touch him. He flinches, and tries not to watch as Angie recoils her hand, not wanting to see the concern in her eyes.

“I-I’ll see you guys,” He murmurs, basically running out of the on-call room.

He tries his best to calm down as he walks in the empty hallways, shoving his hands into pockets.

It wasn’t working.

Breathing heavily, he quickly gets into the locker room and slams the door shut, fighting the burning of tears filling his senses as his heart races.

God, he hates himself.

He hates the way he hears everyone talking about him like something's wrong with him, that he isn't normal.

Why didn't he notice before?

He can still feel the ghost-touch of Angie's hand on his sleeve, the way it felt like electricity on his arm.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

Trying to see through the blur of tears, he quickly grabs his phone and wallet out of his locker and runs out of the hospital, intending to go straight home.

And maybe never come out of there again.  
\----  
"Is something wrong with Derek?" Sydney asks her after that whole situation, Angie still staring at the door in worry. Angie nods her head, not even registering what he said.

"I don't know, but something is going on." Leslie spoke up, worry clear in her tone.

"He's been acting kind of strange lately, and I know he hasn't eaten."

"He hasn't been?!" Angie snaps her head towards Leslie. She puts her hands up in surrender, looking guilty.

"I'm sorry, he just kept saying he wasn't feeling very good. I thought maybe it was just stress!" Tyler shook his head, wrapping his hand around Leslie's.

"He hasn't been sleeping much, either… I didn't think much of it," He mumbles, also feeling guilty. Angie felt like crying.

"I'm his assistant, I should be noticing these things!" She spoke, dropping back into a chair and putting her head into her hands.

And also his girlfriend.

"Angie, it's not your fault," Stephen interjected, patting her on the back. "Maybe he was hiding it from you?"

"But why…?" She murmured, looking up to meet Tyler and Leslie's worried gazes.

"I don't know, but I'm letting you off early tonight to go after him." Sydney spoke, pushing up his glasses.

"Yeah, I’ll take over your shift,” Leslie added, standing up.

“Thanks, Les…” She spoke, sniffling quietly. She couldn’t help but let her worry grow in her heart. She was so scared that Derek would do something impulsive, based on how he had been acting.

“Please be okay…” She thought to herself before standing up and putting on a fake smile.

“Alright. Let’s do our best.”

At the sound of agreements from her coworkers, she cast her thoughts out of her mind and moved to her next patient.  
\----  
“We are sorry, but the person you are trying to call can not be reached, please try again later,”

Angie grimaces as she hears the dial tone, knowing Derek turned off his phone. And of course he left his pager at work, sitting innocently on his desk.  
She turns onto another street.

Worry flares in her heart as she recalls how Derek left that afternoon, acting not like himself. The nervousness, the way he acted when she tried to touch him… 

Something was very, very wrong.

She glances at the time and groans as it says 10:18, upset that she couldn’t leave to go after Derek immediately after.

It was already lucky she was able to get out of there by 10, and of course traffic had to get in the way too. It was about 10:30 when she finally pulled into his apartment complex, happy to find his car was also sitting in the parking lot. He was home, thankfully.

She gets out of her car and quickly runs inside, thankful he had given her the key to his place. Before she knew it, she was standing in front of his door. She quickly pushes the key into the lock, noting with worry that the light wasn’t on.

She quickly sets her eyes on Derek, who was sitting on the couch, a blanket wrapped around his body. He was staring at the pill bottle on his coffee stand, not moving or even noticing Angie had opened the door.

“Derek?” She whispers, closing the door and letting the room submerge back into complete darkness.

“Is everything okay?”

Gently walking over to the doctor, she sits down beside him and notes that he was breathing quite heavily.

“Angie?” He finally whispers, not turning to look at her. Angie grasps his hand.

“Yeah, it’s me… I’m here,” she murmurs, her heart jumping in her throat as she watches a tear gently fall down Derek’s cheek.

“Ang,” He gasps, his voice cracking on her name. Angie felt like her heart was breaking.

“I-I…” He trails off, looking like he was on the verge of sobbing. “I hate this…” 

Angie stays silent, watching in almost-horror as Derek falls apart.

“I feel like hell, I can’t do this, everyone says they’re so proud of me; that I’m finally getting my life back together… they don’t understand! They don’t... I can't go a single day without screwing up somehow, or hearing how 'Oh, remember when Derek did this stupid thing?'! They don't understand how much it hurts...” He cries out, sobbing heavily.

“Why couldn’t I be normal, huh?! Why did I have to go through most of my life feeling like I was worthless?! I can’t talk to people without constantly worrying they hate me, everyone else seems like they got it but me…” He cries, stumbling over his words.

Angie wraps her arms around Derek as he struggles to control himself, the feelings he bottled up inside finally coming out.

“I want.. I want to go a day where I can just be normal,” He whispers, burying his face into Angie’s shoulder.

“Derek, you should’ve told me,” She whispers, threading her hand through his brown locks. She hates the way she can feel him shaking under her hands, the anguish he must feel right now.

“You kept saying you were so happy for me… I didn’t want to disappoint you,” He mumbled through his tears, wrapping his arms around Angie tighter.

“I want you to be happy, Derek…” She says, her chest hurting as she hears the quiet shudders Derek lets out.

“I can't eat, I can't sleep...” he mumbles, squeezing his eyes together tightly. "I-It's not worth it..."

Angie feels like she wants to cry. She had no clue he felt like this, and felt even worse that she didn't notice it.

"I'm so sorry," She murmurs, her heart crying out as she hears Derek sob, the two entangled in the dark.

She waits there as his sobs turn into deep breathing, finally letting himself sleep.

A single tear falls from her eye as she finally lets herself cry, her heart absolutely shattered.

I'm sorry, she whispers, pressing a kiss to his forehead as she weeps.

After a while, she lets herself succumb to the emptiness of sleep, an apology still on her lips.


End file.
